Multiple Mood Disorder.

I recently wrote to a friend, “I think I’m having a quarter-life crisis.” But the truth is I think I’ve been having it for the last few years…in spurts.

One day, life is good and I’m pretty sure I have it all figured out. The next day I don’t agree with anything from the previous day and have no idea why I’m here or what I’m doing. I think it’s the constant tension between being a Type A/Type J/Type C person who is also a dreamer who is governed by emotions. One day I want structure, absolutes and checklists. The next I want to shake things up, question everything and be different.

I feel like I have multiple mood disorder. Although I like both aspects of myself, the opposites cause tension. My Type A self gets frustrated when my Dreamer side doesn’t follow through on anything and it makes me feel I am wasting my life. My Dreamer side gets fearful that I’m boring and missing out on my life with the tasks and narrow expectations.

To be honest, I haven’t figured out how to reconcile the two quite yet. I’ve just recently identified them. Right now they’re causing me tension and stress. But I truly believe that they should be a gift- that God gave me these two outlooks on life (so opposite from each other) for a reason.

I think there’s a balance I need to strike- a balance of bringing order and connection and meaning to life while still stopping and letting go of control to enjoy the spontaneous moments and surprises in the world.

And yet, there’s another side to my personality as well. The side that wakes up and wants nothing to do with the world that day. Nothing sounds fun. Nothing seems to matter. I’m burned out and frustrated. I don’t think I’m to nurture this mood, but I do believe I need to give myself grace and patience on those days and know that it will pass.

So in summary,

I want to make a difference in this world and that takes discipline and perseverence.
I want to fully enjoy the beauty of this world and that takes time and boldness.
And sometimes I need to just rest and retreat and give myself some grace and patience.

I think I’m so focused on making the most of my life and squeezing out all the purpose that I put this pressure on myself and that squeezes out all the magic no matter which self I wake up as.

CHALLENGE OF THE WEEK:

Are you like me and have different personalities and moods that affect your outlook on life? Have you identified and owned them?
If so, spend this week noting which one you’re living in. I’m going to try and keep a journal of them. By acknowledging it, I think it will help me give myself grace and maximize on the strengths and personalities of that mood.

SIDE NOTE: I’ve already found this so helpful at work! If I’m in a get ‘er done mood, I take on those pesky menial tasks I’ve been putting off. If I’m in a “I don’t want to do anything mood” I take on the tasks that don’t take much brain power and put on a podcast I’m interested in to try and lift my mood. If I’m in my dreamer mood, I strategically plan or do the project that takes creativity and energy.